


premorse

by halcyoneous



Category: MXM (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Based on a Poem, M/M, No Dialogue, Past Relationship(s), implied multiple relationships, small cameos from pd101 boys, vague with light angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 07:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15019880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halcyoneous/pseuds/halcyoneous
Summary: in hopes of sadness that treats him well, in the loneliness that refused to be peeled off.





	premorse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cheonsagateun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheonsagateun/gifts).



> this was suggested months ago, but I picked up it from my dusty notes app.  
> summary and prompt derived from an indonesian poem, pukul empat pagi by aan mansyur. might be pretty straightforward, but not a straight interpretation. kak neb, I hope you like it and it's not too overdue.
> 
> past!dongpaca. implied: donghyun/sewoon, donghyun/gwanghyun, donghyun/donghan (all very small and casual). open relationship!taedonghan.

There were things tangling on his tongue, with no one to tell them to. Not a single person that was awake and available. In a place that didn't know sleep and didn't know him, Donghyun had to stay.

It was Seoul city, secured and in control, advanced towards his dreams. Here he traded the stars for his stance, crushed them for the lights. The lights dimmed on his sight as the dawn neared, deemed like the last words of a dying man that will reborn.

And a lover he lost brought away, into a town and life that he wouldn't be in. Yet Youngmin—Lim Youngmin, that's the man's name—leaped through hell and back, to the place he would never reach again. The depths of Kim Donghyun, a steep course he climbed in a walk on the park.

Donghyun tried to picture Youngmin, dealing with the sorrow he brought upon him. A thing that couldn't have been escaped between both of them. Not after the abundance of warmth and compassion, taken away within one to two sentences. His mind trailed Youngmin all the way, up to the next city or country he'd stop in, clear eyes tearing with the pain and sadness. Down to the next man he'd met and fall in, rich teeth returning with the usual smile and shine.

But, even if in those days and nights, Youngmin would've still cry to his sleep with no one in his side—Donghyun wished for tears that would be washed away in the morning. For the heart that would be warmer after every cold rain.

*

Wanting and to be wanted was never foreign for Donghyun. For the one person he'd still praise from a safe distance, he still yearned. For the many people that would still look at him with a companion on his arms, they still adored. Union and separation was only a status, it did not break the feelings that lingered in between.

It only let him go and leave with whoever that first asked him out. If anyone were to ask him was this a date again, he would not say yes. Every man beside knew wiser than to claim. Donghyun warned them to not accept or deny too, most people were just nosy.

Just cling for the night, for that was all of the offer. Like how Supervisor Jeong also needed to be careful, he knew even better. The private party they went to may be outside of their office circle, yet not freed from; unlike his subordinate, he prized his connections.

Let him sleep in and wake up at wherever they headed back. Even if it was a short term in a hotel, he'd treat them like home. He would serve with almost everything, devoted and delicate; he wished to see them happy, in hopes that he'd follow suit.

Still his heart would be distant, for that did not come with the package. Like how his longtime neighbor Gwanghyun pushed his luck when he said he wanted to marry, he would propose to him again. Donghyun wanted to repeat his rejection, but he would tend his gardens, too.

He'd heard badmouths at times, that he was being just like another man, since he was playing with fire. When you could never cheat on no one, with nothing; he was being casual, no promises or bounds. Once again, Donghyun suggested himself that he was trying to be kind—because it sounded better than trying to get someone off his mind.

*

This, too, was one of those nights in which he spent half of it near someone else. Kim Donghan, a dear friend from college. A name he rediscovered and repeated in both his head and mouth. In case of a comeback, a continuous need for comfort.

Yet as they parted, Donghyun overheard about a man named Taedong. That wasn't there, so Donghan needed a date. So did Taedong himself, staying the weekend with someone named Taehyun.

And there was love, in a strange form that won't be making sense for most. There were people so free that they won't mind others taking what's theirs for the meantime. And talk about it in front of an one-time partner that may suspect. That may not want to taste something shared.

Donghyun wasn't one to disturb or to be distraught for the feelings, when he was none the different. Even worse, he started to embrace how he could choose whoever he wanted to because he's handsome and well-off.

The one that hurted more was on how he can't settle. In the choice of life path he coveted, he can't be satisfied to the fullest. The more men he came to, the less it meant something. Once the show stopped, he would be left by himself. Under all layers of luxury brand clothing and all sorts of pleasantries—he would have longed for one love, that won't go and won't return.

For Youngmin, he couldn't lie.

(And even in the wee hours of morning, work was a waiting. His mission had told him to be aware. There was no time to drown his melancholy with dreams, so he made himself coffee.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm getting my muse back. slowly. if you know where to find me feel free to talk prompts (if you don't mind getting it years later like this)


End file.
